So much has happened in this past month since last post. A lot.
E 'released on the Arcade Fire album, and down relationship, the diRockato, many, many things that I'm not going to list here. But a lot of things, as usual, is what usually remains more impressed.
And this time it's a death.
Detailed below is the letter left by Mr. Satoshi Kon before leaving our dirty world.
May 18 this year, one day I will never forget. A cardiologist
of Musashino Red Cross Hospital made the following diagnosis:
"This is the last stage of pancreatic cancer, which has already been extended with several bone metastases.
The remain up to six months of life."
My wife and I listened to it together. It was a fate so severe and unexpected that we could both just to support it.
I used to think, in all honesty, that "I can not help it if I die any day." Nevertheless, it's all happened so suddenly.
To be sure, there were signs. Two or three months before I had severe pains in different parts of the back and groin, had lost strength in his right leg and I found it difficult to walk, so I went to a agupunturista and a chiropractor, but I felt no better. And then after I underwent an MRI, a PET-CT and other precision instruments, came the sudden announcement of the short time I have left.
It was as if death had come behind me before she knew it, and there was absolutely nothing I could do to change things.
After the diagnosis of cancer, my wife and I evaluated every possible attempt to extend my life. It was literally a matter of life or death. We received the support of faithful friends and strong allies. I declined any treatment for cancer, and tried to live with a world view slightly different from the norm. The fact that I refuse what the tendency is "expected as normal" I thought something in keeping with my usual ways of doing.
I never really thought to belong to the majority, and it was the same for medical care, like anything else. " Why not try to continue to live according to my intentions, however. "However, just like when I try to create a new project of a film, the willpower of a person just was not what we wanted.
advanced disease incessantly, day after day.
On the other hand, as belonging to the company, I have accepted at least half of what society in general believes that it is right. I pay taxes. I am far from the recognition as a decent citizen, but I feel fully a part of Japan's society.
Accordingly, with the exception of what I needed to do to extend my life, from my point of view, I tried also to prepare all things necessary to "be ready to die as we ought."
However, I do not think I succeeded.
But one of the things I did was to set up, with the help of two friends whom I could trust, a company that would manage issues such as the number of poor who held copyright. Another thing was to make sure my wife would receive every single asset we have, is a testament to this Returned. Of course, not that I thought someone would have to say about my heritage or something, but I wanted to be sure that my wife, who was forced to leave this world, had nothing to worry about, and anyway I wanted to take away any anxiety off, myself that I was in the process to stand out a small leap to above, before dovermene go.
Of all the documents necessary to carry out this task, which neither I nor my wife were fully able to do, he quickly occupied some wonderful friends.
Later, when I developed pneumonia and I was already facing death, I put my signature on the will and I thought that if I died there, at that precise moment, there would be nothing to do.
"Ah ... I can finally die."
After all, I was taken by ambulance to Musashino Red Cross Hospital just two days before this happened, and always in the ambulance arrived there again the next day. Even I had to be hospitalized and undergo a medical check-ups and several visits.
The outcome of those exams was pneumonia, with fluid in the lungs in no uncertain terms when I asked the doctor, the answer I received was very systematic and professional and, in some way, I was grateful for it.
"It could have held one or two days ... but even if you survive all this, probably would be lived up to the end of the month." While
I listened, I thought, "It seems to me is illustrating the weather", but the situation was terrible.
was July 7. It was definitely a cruel
Tanabata.
And I decided at that time.
I wanted to die at home.
I know that doing so would have given a lot of trouble to the people who took care of me, but I asked them anyway to find a way to get me out of there and go home. [It could] thanks to the tenacity of my wife, to the collaboration of the hospital, although they had accepted my resignation to treatment, the incredible support of other medical facilities, and a series of coincidences so numerous that it could only be sent from heaven. I had never seen so many combinations of events to settle into place in a smooth way in real life, I could barely believe it. After all this was not
Tokyo Godfathers.
While my wife was busy to fix things for my "escape" from the hospital, I kept begging the doctors: "If I can go home even for just half a day, there are still things I can do." Then I found myself waiting alone in death, in a depressing hospital room, I was alone, but I found myself thinking:
"Maybe death will not be so bad."
There was no reason, and maybe I just need to think in that way, but I felt surprisingly calm and relaxed.
However, there was still a thought that gnawed at me inside.
"I do not want to die here ..."
While the thought, something that emerged from the calendar on the wall and began to spread in the room.
"Oh my God, a line that comes from the calendar.
My hallucinations are not at all original."
I had to smile at the fact that my professional instincts were at work even in times like those, but in any case, at that point, I was probably closer to the afterlife than I ever was. I really felt death close to me. [But] with the help of many people, I escaped miraculously from the Musashino Red Cross and went home, wrapped in the sheets and the land of the dead.
I feel to point out that not reserve any criticism, nor hatred, against staff of the Musashino Red Cross Hospital, so do not get me wrong.
I just wanted to go home in my house. The house where I live.
I was a bit 'surprised because, while I was being led into the living room of my house as a bonus I did the near-death experience that sooner or later it is so familiar to anyone with respect to "look for a place up above your body is taken to a room. "
looked at me and the scene around me from a position several meters above the ground, as from an objective angle, and flash illumination. The square of the bed in the middle of the room seemed very large and impressive, and my body was wrapped in sheets lying in the middle of the square. Not too kindly, but I'm not complaining.
So all I had to do was wait for death to my house. However
.
Apparently I was able to overcome the pneumonia.
Eh?
In a sense, I thought so.
"I did not die!" (Laughter)
Later, when I could not think of anything other than death, I was convinced at that moment I was dead for real. In the back of my mind, the word "rebirth" floated several times.
Incredibly, after that made my life force had been renewed. From the bottom of my heart, I think it was due to the people who helped me: my first wife, and then with the support of my friends, doctors and nurses, and all the nursing staff.
Now that my life force had been restored, I could not waste my time. Reaffirmed to myself that I was granted an extra life, and I had to spend it carefully. So I thought I had to cancel at least one of the irresponsibility that I had done and would have left in this world.
To be honest, I was told the cancer only to those closest to me. I had not even told my parents. In particular, due to various complications related to work, I could not say anything to people, even if they wish. I wanted to announce my illness on the Internet and to report on the little life that remained to me, but if Satoshi's death had been put into the program, there might be a reflection of the waves, no matter how small. For these reasons, I behaved like a true irresponsible with people close to me. And I'm really sorry.
There were so many people wanted to see before you die, which I wanted to give at least a word of farewell. My family and relatives, old friends and classmates of elementary and middle school, high school friends who met at university, I met people in the world of manga, with whom I exchanged so much inspiration, the people of the world ' next to the animation which desks sat, with whom I went to drink with them, with whom I was competing for the same jobs, the comrades with whom he shared the good and the bad experiences. The countless people who had been in a position to know because of my position as a film, people who call themselves my fans not only in Japan but around the world, friends that I had done on the web.
There are so many people who would like to see at least once (well, there are also some who do not want to see), but I fear that if the meeting thinking that "I can never see that person again," I sopraffarebbe, and I would not be able to accept death gracefully. Even if I had recovered, I had been very little strength vital, and cost me a lot of effort to meet people. More people wanted to see me, and it was harder for me to receive them. What irony. In addition, the lower half of my body was paralyzed because of the cancer that was spreading to the bones: I was prone on the bed, and I did not want people to see my body so buff.
I wanted most of the people I knew I remembered how Satoshi full of life.
I would use this space to apologize to my family, friends and acquaintances, not having said cancer, because of my irresponsibility. Please understand that this was just a selfish desire to Satoshi.
I mean, Satoshi Kon was "the kind of person." When
I imagine your faces, I just reminded of your good memories and big smiles.
To all, thanks for the many wonderful memories.
I loved the world in which I lived.
Just the fact of being able to think makes me happy.
The many people I met during my life, whether they were positive or negative, have helped shape the human being who is Satoshi Kon, and I am grateful for each of those meetings. Although the end result is a premature death in the middle of my forty years of life, I accepted it as my only possible destiny.
After all, I happened to so many beautiful things.
What do you think time of death: "I can only say that it is too bad. "Really.
However, even if I let it go a lot of my irresponsible actions [in not having advised the people], I can not but regret two things. With regard to my parents, and the founder of Madhouse, Mr. Maruyama .
Although it was already quite late, there was no other choice but to admit their guilt about the whole truth. I wanted to beg their forgiveness.
As soon as I saw the face of Mr. Maruyama when he came to visit me in home, I could not stop the tears, nor my shame. "I'm so sorry, because I ended up so ...". Mr. Maruyama said nothing, just shook his head and grabbed me both hands. I felt filled with gratitude. Feelings of gratitude and joy, because I was lucky enough to work alongside this person, like an avalanche engulfed me. It may sound selfish, but I felt like I had been forgiven at that moment.
My biggest regret is for the film Yume-miru Kikai.
am concerned not only for the movie in itself, but for the staff with whom I worked during the production of the film. Because there is a strong possibility that the storyboards created with our blood, sweat and tears will never be published. This is because Satoshi Kon surrounded, with his arms the original story, the screenplay, the characters and environments, sketches, music ... each individual image. Of course there are things we shared with the head of the animation, the art director and other staff members, but basically most of the work can be understood only by Satoshi Kon. It 's easy to say it's my fault things have characterized in this way, but from my point of view I made every effort to share my vision with others. However, in my current physical condition I can only feel a deep remorse for my inadequacies and shortages in those fields. This is why I offer my deepest apologies to all the staff. Anyway, I hope you understand me, even just a little bit. Satoshi Kon was "the kind of person" and that is why it was able to create anime bizarre enough, who were a bit 'different from the usual. I know this is an excuse selfish, but think of my cancer and I beg you, forgive me.
I have not been idly waiting for death, even now I'm thinking with my brain bruised some way to ensure that my work will live long after I'm gone. But ideas are all rather weak.
When I revealed my concerns to Mr. Maruyama to Yume-miru Kikai, he said simply: "Do not worry. Think of something, then you do not worry."
I cried.
I cried uncontrollably.
Even with my previous films, I had been so irresponsible with production and budget, but I always had the next Mr. Maruyama, who eventually fix everything for me. Even this time is no different. I have not changed at all.
I could talk at will with Mr. Maruyama. Thanks to this, I was able to perceive, at least a little ', the talent and skills Satoshi Kon had a value of some burden for our industry.
"I am sorry to waste your talent.
I wish I could find a way to leave."
And if Mr. Maruyama's Madhouse is to say, I can go to another world with some pride, after all.
And of course, even without someone please tell me, really regret that my bizarre visions and the ability to draw things to the most minute detail is lost, but this does not change anything. I am grateful from the bottom of my heart that Mr. Maruyama gave me the opportunity to show the world these things.
Thank you, thank you very much.
Satoshi Kon was happy as a director of animation.
It 'was so heartbreaking to tell my parents.
I really want to go to Sapporo, where they live, while I was still able to do it, but my disease progressed so unexpectedly and unpleasantly so fast that I found myself on the phone call from the hospital room, when I was close to death.
"I have terminal cancer and I will die soon. I'm so happy to be born as your son. Thank you. "
must be shocked to hear these words suddenly, but then I was sure I would die shortly thereafter.
But then I came home and got over pneumonia. I took the important decision to see my parents, and they too wanted to see me. But it would be so difficult to see, and I was not willing to do so. But I wanted to see the faces of my parents one last time.
I wanted to tell them what I was grateful that I had given birth.
I've been a happy person. And yet I must apologize to my wife, my parents, and all the people I love, to have lived my life far too quickly than most of them.
My parents responded to my selfish desire, and the next day they came to my house from Sapporo. I will never forget the first words uttered when I saw my mother lying there in bed.
"I'm so terribly sorry for not having brought into this world with a stronger body."
I was speechless.
I could spend only a short time with my parents, but it was enough. I felt that if I saw their faces, it would have been sufficient, and it eventually did really well.
Thank you, Father, Mother. I'm so happy to be born into this world as your child. My heart is filled with memories and gratitude. For the happiness of itself is important, but I'm so grateful that you have taught me to appreciate the joy.
Thank you, thank you very much.
's so disrespectful to die before their parents, but in the last ten years and more, I could do what I wanted as a director of animation, to reach my goals, and get some good review. I regret that my films have not yielded a lot of money, but I think they got what they deserved. In the last ten years and more, in particular, I felt like I had lived more intensely than other people, and I think my parents understood what was in my heart. Thanks to the visits of Mr. Maruyama and my parents I feel like a big burden had been lifted from my shoulders.
Finally, my wife, for which I am more worried at all, but that was my support until the end. From the day of my diagnosis on life expectancy, we are shipwrecked together in our own tears, so many times.
Every day was brutal both physically and mentally. There are almost no words to describe them. But the reason I have been able to survive those difficult days was for the words you told me immediately after receiving the news.
"I'll be by your side until the end."
True to those words, you mettesti aside my concerns, dirigesti with skill and all claims and demands which are flown down, and soon learned how to take care of your husband.
I was so moved by watching you in the face everything with such efficiency.
"My wife is fantastic."
not have to keep repeating it even now, you say? No, no. You are now even more beautiful than I've ever been, I really feel. Even after I'm dead, I know that Satoshi Kon accompany the other world with grace. Ever since we got married, I was so absorbed by the "jobs, jobs" that the only time I spent at home after cancer was, what a terrible shame. But you've
by my side, you always knew that I needed to immerse myself completely in my work, my talent was there.
Thanks.
There are many things, infinite things, they are worried, but everything must end.
Finally, to Dr. H who has agreed to visit me at home until the end, even if it is something that is not common to do these days, and his wife and nurse K-san, I want to express my deepest gratitude.
home care services is rather complicated, but you have patiently dealt with the many sorrows that cancer behaves, and have made every effort to ensure that my time until the final target of death, was the most comfortable possible. I could not express how much, how you have helped me. And you only had to deal with this difficult patient and arrogant as if it were just your job, but you have interacted with me as a human, interpersonal level.
I have no words to express how much support I have been, and how much you saved me.
I was really encouraged by your human qualities many times.
I am deeply, very grateful.
And now it's really the end, but shortly after receiving the diagnosis in mid-May until now, I have been fortunate to receive cooperation, help and mental support, both personally and professionally, of two friends . My friend T, my friend since high school and a member of KON'Stone Limited, the producer and H, I thank you both from the bottom of my heart. Thank you very much. It 's hard for me, with my poor vocabulary, adequately express my gratitude to you.
My wife and I have received so much from you.
If you two you were not here, for us, I'm sure I would be here to provide for the death watching my wife, who sederebbe here by my side much more agitated and anxious. I am your debtor.
And, if I may ask one more thing, you could help my wife to accompany me to the afterlife after my death? I would then be able to take that flight relaxed mind, if you could do it. I ask my heart.
Well, to all those who were still here with me through this long letter, thank you.
With hearts full of gratitude to all that is good in this world, now put down the pen.
Excuse me, now I have to go *.
Satoshi Kon
Letter taken from http://www.animeclick.it/news/25953-sayonara-ecco-la-lettera-daddio-lasciata-da-satoshi-kon
What a bad read this sort of thing.
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